Saturday, April 5, 2008
The Weakend
No big news here. I slept until noon and went to breakfast with Joe. It's weird living together and going through the motions of a couple without actually being one. I met up with my friend who was in town and she suggested moving across the state if thing didn't work out with me moving to Florida. I thought about the idea, but I don't know if I could handle living with 9 other people. (She lives in a co-op.) Right now I just need to have a lot of alone time so that I don't annoy the heck out of everyone around me (I'm prone to spontaneous crying when in intense emotional periods in my life.) One thing I'm going to miss the most is the physical contact. To sleep next to someone for four years and then go cold turkey is HARD. There is no warmth, no protective barrier... even when Joe went away on weekend snowmobile trips, I always recruited someone to sleep over so I could have something there... sleep without that is impossible to me. I'm completely exhausted even though I did next to nothing today. I'm dreading the next few weeks. School is winding down, so not only do I have the to worry about finding a place to live, a new job, figuring out my school situation for next semester, but I also have finals to think about. On a fun note, I did start crying in the grocery store when I heard No Doubt's "Don't Speak" playing. Ahh... fun times.
Friday, April 4, 2008
In the beginning...
Where to begin?
I have no idea why I came into work today... okay, I do. It's because we had a quote due and I was in charge of finishing the quote books and making CDs for the sales guy.
Anyway, I have cried on at least 7 separate occasions today, 5 of which were at work... and to be honest, I'm crying as I write this blog. Even though I know that my tears are 1.) Unprofessional and 2.) Pointless. They sure don't change the situation I'm in. In fact, if anything, they make everything worse because now everyone can see my swollen eyes and tear stained cheeks, and of course, the work gossip mill is in full swing.
I'll be honest and say this break-up has been a long time coming. In fact, the fight that took place last night while my boyfriend and I were in bed has happen several times before. Why is it different this time? Because this time, I admit defeat.
In the relationship, I was the one clinging on. He has tried several times to shake me loose, and like a child clinging to its mother's leg, I clung to him. In the event that our relationship did end, I would be left with nothing and he with everything. He would keep the cat, the dog, the house. His life would change in no way, and mine in almost every way. Because we have the same employer, I would feel compelled to change jobs. Even though it's not necessary, I find that easier than the humiliation of hundreds of people knowing I have a failed engagement under my belt. Not only that, I don't want to have to explain on 20 different occasions, the excruciating details while trying to fight back tears.
There are so many details that I have not yet explained, but I'll get to them all, I promise.
I have no idea why I came into work today... okay, I do. It's because we had a quote due and I was in charge of finishing the quote books and making CDs for the sales guy.
Anyway, I have cried on at least 7 separate occasions today, 5 of which were at work... and to be honest, I'm crying as I write this blog. Even though I know that my tears are 1.) Unprofessional and 2.) Pointless. They sure don't change the situation I'm in. In fact, if anything, they make everything worse because now everyone can see my swollen eyes and tear stained cheeks, and of course, the work gossip mill is in full swing.
I'll be honest and say this break-up has been a long time coming. In fact, the fight that took place last night while my boyfriend and I were in bed has happen several times before. Why is it different this time? Because this time, I admit defeat.
In the relationship, I was the one clinging on. He has tried several times to shake me loose, and like a child clinging to its mother's leg, I clung to him. In the event that our relationship did end, I would be left with nothing and he with everything. He would keep the cat, the dog, the house. His life would change in no way, and mine in almost every way. Because we have the same employer, I would feel compelled to change jobs. Even though it's not necessary, I find that easier than the humiliation of hundreds of people knowing I have a failed engagement under my belt. Not only that, I don't want to have to explain on 20 different occasions, the excruciating details while trying to fight back tears.
There are so many details that I have not yet explained, but I'll get to them all, I promise.
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